Still, Soft Echoes

I'm still up.  It's 2:30 am and I'm struck with a thought.  So I decide if I'm going to let the thought go, or move, get my notebook or computer out and do something about it.

You obviously know which decision I made.

There are echoes that surround us.  Still, Soft Echoes of those we can no longer touch or physically feel.  But they stay with us.  Not haunting, but reminders and whispers of their voice, their compassion, drive, awareness of who WE are.  They don't leave us.

They know who we are as much as we know.  And our memories and reflections of them don't fade.  They remain a part of our lives.

My grandmother left us in 1986.  My freshman year of high school.  I spent the summer before helping to take care of her.  What I didn't realize as a teen was that I was in fact helping make her last days easier.  I don't remember her voice, but I remember her presence throughout all of the major events of my life up to then.  I miss her.  I knew she loved me.  She always kept butter cookies in a tupperware container in the kitchen, and she was never afraid to reprimand me when I needed correction.

My cousin Eric left us in 1997.  I still have memories of this kid who was becoming a man.  I was there when over 100 students from McKeachern High School filled the lobby of Kennestone Hospital in a vigil for his young life.  He left such a mark on those students.  He still comes to mind whenever I think about taking a break on this journey.  Whenever I think of giving up, his presence reminds me that I never know how long I'm going to have.  Don't waste it.

Allen Martin left in 2007.  He was my Granddad, my roommate in college (yes, really!), my friend and mentor and a Father.  Just like my Grandmother, he was such a part of my life.  And when I was leaving home to go to West Georgia, he gave me a place I truly called home.  He told me on my first day there "I don't keep up with you, and you don't keep up with me".  I thought it was funny, but he meant it.  He gave me space, but he also listened out.  Never butting in unless he absolutely had to.  I loved the man with all his quirks and antics, and I always knew he loved me.

And I'm sure you have yours as well.  That person who...

...knew how to urge you to go on.

...knew exactly what to say when you needed encouragement.

...showed you they loved you without any pretense.

...let you cry.  knowing that tears really do heal.

...always wanted the best for you.  Even when you didn't want it for yourself.

...who was your greatest advocate, champion, friend when you were down.

They still reside with us.  The echoes aren't fading.

They continue to resonate within us.

The Point

There comes a point when we can't just sit back anymore.  When all the hurts, the pent up anxiety and turmoil has reached the limit of what we can tolerate.  We reach the point where all of our passive, peaceful attempts to remedy the situations we face have failed and we have to react.

At this point everything we've known, we've sought is lost in the need to react.  The primal urges come forth and we lunge at the problem ahead of us and ATTACK!

In a world that preaches 'political correctness' and tolerance there is still time when you can't just allow the Scott Farkas', the Cute and Funny Bunnies, the Wicked Witch, Skeletor and the Decepticons to continue to win!

There is a POINT.  A point when you have to react and fight for what really matters.  Don't let the fears and false prophets take away what really matters.

DO NOT GIVE IN!

FIGHT!!!!

VULNERABLE

I grew up in a cul-de-sac with a bunch of boys running through the neighborhood.   We played down by the creek that ran behind a couple of houses.  It was where wars were waged, ropes were swung on, bridges became diving boards and our pool was the largest area of the creek, where you could get in up to your waist.  I remember always being a little hesitant at getting fully in.  Don’t know if it was the murky, muddy mix of water and Georgia clay or knowing that the boys I played with where sometimes not always to be trusted when it came to backyard ‘baptisms’!

It was a place of Vulnerability.

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Vulnerable

To truly love isn’t just the feeling of “falling”.  It is more the willingness to open oneself up to being VULNERABLE to another person.  To allow your heart and will to be affected by that person is something that can cause fear and trembling.  But it can also lead to something beyond the ability of words to communicate.  It can give way to Hope, to Belief, to well, Love.

There are risks. Yet anything of value, of worth comes with the knowledge of the inherent risks that it takes to trust another person.  But again, that VULNERABILITY succumbs to the realization that we weren’t meant to be alone here, and when you find that there is another who is just as Vulnerable, just as Passionate, just as Ready to find more in this life…

…you grab hold.  You jump – both feet into the water!

"So This is Christmas"

What is it that binds us together?  Is it the tree, the ornaments?  The gifts given or received?

Is it those who we love?  Or is it remembering what the past year has brought?

So this is Christmas.  

And I must say that I’ve seen many of these come and go in a haze of doubt and a puzzled reflection of “I thought this was something to look forward to”.  Over the last ten years I’ve spent more Christmases feeling alone or stressed or just angry that it was always so hard.

So THIS Christmas I’ve been given a gift.  The breathe and space to realize that it doesn’t have to be what I’ve perceived it to be.  It can be whatever the day, the season holds.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

John Lennon’s words are deeper than they seem.  He speaks of ending war and bias.  Of finding Peace.  Love.  Joy.

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS…

…moments shared with a special someone

…a gift given from a deep place in the heart

…remembering fondly those who will be missed dearly

…”Christmas Vacation”

…”Grandma got ran over by a Reindeer”

…a birth

…a wish

…joy and a hope for tomorrow.

This is Christmas.

Fear and Trembling or Guilt and Regret

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with FEAR and TREMBLING

Philippians 2:12

I was raised by the church.  Not just in the church, but by the many members of the congregation that called Glen Forest Baptist Church their place of worship.  My earliest memories are intertwined with the building, the people, the moments (MANY) that I spent there throughout my childhood.  Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday night, ANY other times when there was something going on there.  And some of those memories are still fresh in my mind.  But not all are good.

There is a verse that resonates with me at times when I think about my feelings of the church.  Philippians 2:12.

Fear and Trembling.  That’s how I felt in the church most of my life.  Not as much love, but a sense of guilt.  A feeling that I should be continually ashamed of the mark that I received as a child.  And in hiding, I found that I feared what would become of me.  I did tremble, but more from anxiety.  An anxiety that still persists when I even approach anything that resembles a church.  I do have good memories, but they are so overshadowed with my heart’s regret that a place that my Grandmother was so proud to be a part of is so tainted in my spirit.

I heard how I needed to “get right”, “to find Jesus”, to love and to accept.  Yet I saw a bum from Mableton turned away because he smelled of Alcohol and wasn’t as clean as Benny Rollins and the other men standing in the doorway.  I’ve seen race close doors.  I felt love, but it came as abuse, then as a twisted attempt to find some healing in a young heart.  I do believe in God.  I know that he is Real.

My children will always hear of the importance of belief, of finding the spiritual presence in their lives.  We pray over meals and I talk to them about God.

But I don’t do church.  Not the way that many would call as ‘acceptable’.  Even the ultra-modern, come as you are church that I’ve been a part of for the last ten years. 

If you doubt my spirit, I question your ‘religion’.

If you say I need community, I say ‘absolutely’!

If you understand this; Awesome!  If you question this, I hope that you will find your beliefs rooted in something deeper than the religion that we sometimes hold onto without questioning.  I hope that each of you finds a place to dwell.  I know that I have found the places that speak to my spirit and allow me to truly believe.

I won't question your beliefs.  I wish you the same spirit that I have found - without fear, guilt or regret!

Tell Me...

Hallmark Cards - "Tell Me" Commercial Holidays 2012

Christmas....

2012....

Here we go again.


This is always the toughest part of the year for me.  It is the time when most people who struggle with loss, depression, hurt, anger, fear, and doubt find that on top of all these things there is the added dynamic of Family.

Family is a funny thing.  I don't know that I've ever truly understood the complexities and heightened dynamics that come together to form that unit of people that are bound by blood and history.

I've done this time of year married, single, as a father, in the darkest heart of depression.  I can't say that I remember many that stand out as truly wonderful.  I do remember all the times when I broke out in a cold sweat at the realization that the 25th was approaching and the entire holiday was wound into the fear of how I would react to my family, my kids, my spouse.

I've retreated many times.  I've found myself alone - even in a room full of people.  I've cried more during Christmas than just about any other time of the year.

SO.........

I've been doing serious soul searching and realized that I need to find a way that I can ENJOY this season.  I've opened up to some new ideas; new thoughts on how I'm going to handle Christmas; new possibilities in my personal life...

and then I see this Hallmark commercial tonight.  "Tell Me".

Tell Me if you love me.
Tell Me if you remember a time we shared.
Tell Me if I matter to you.
Tell Me if I've ever made an imprint upon your life.

But most of all, just Tell Me.

It is the one thing that I hope to do this season.  Tell those of you who I love and are important to me how much you mean to my life.

The commercial is just a stepping stone.

So if I have been anything positive to you...

"Just Tell Me."

"Crossroads..."

'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah. 
The gypsy flies from coast to coast 

Knowing many, loving none, 
Bearing sorrow havin' fun, 
But back home he'll always run...'

     ~ the Allman Brothers Band

We all go through those moments that define.  Moments when we find ourselves at the heart of a decision.  When our next step will help shape our immediate future, and maybe even down the road.  I have been walking towards this 'Crossroad' for the last year.  I've walked through one of the lowest times in my life, found sanity, found more heartache, found purpose and then started to walk.

I wrote my first blog on June 11th, 2012.  Told everyone who was willing to read it that I was going to change the way I did things.  The way that I had always accepted and thought wasn't good enough anymore.  It was time to find my own TRUTH.  Even if it was against everything that I had ever known.

So now, over 5 months later, I find that I've finally reached the place where the path meets an intersection and I get to move freely into either path.

I have found a fresh opinion of myself.  I know my value and worth and also that I am a creature that continues to grow and evolve with each new experience and time here.

I am alive.  I lived for many years as a dead man, without music, writing, and many of the things that make me whole.  But now I FEEL.  I have realized that there is HOPE and that there is a SWEET taste in my spirit of this new growth inside.

And I have met someone who makes me wonder, "Can there be even more?".

I spent Friday night on Siler Bald in North Carolina.  It was a planned trip with my hiking group, but it was more a time to let go of some of the hurts I had been holding onto and walk down that mountain .  I came down after a 15 degree night (oh, my, God was it cold!), tears shed for a lost relationship and the pain that it had caused, and a feeling that I will be able to move on and find peace without sacrificing ME!

So at this crossroad, I am taking the path that speaks to my spirit.  Just like the last year, I am going to listen, breathe and find my footing as the trail is laid out in front of me.

ONE DAY can change EVERYTHING!

There are moments that turn the world upside down.

Moments that define us.  Change us.  Give us hope or leave us with deep despair.

Events that change history - sometimes for a country, other times for just one individual.
Some of these days are horrific.  Some are the precious moments that give us hope for a better tomorrow.

Pearl Harbor
December 7, 1941

D-Day
June 6, 1944

Rosa Parks' Bus Incident
December 1, 1955

9/11/11

The day my son was born (March 27, 1999).  18 months later when my daughter joined this world (Sept. 3, 2000).  The day the Red Sox FINALLY won the world series (Oct. 27, 2004).  The day John Lennon was murdered (Dec. 8, 1980).

Monday.

November 19th, 2012.

Can one day really mean so much?  I don't know if this will be another like any of the above, but sometimes the things we weren't even looking for appear and take our breath.

And for this I am extremely Thankful for this Thanksgiving!

Why I hike.

Here's the list.  Compiled on a napkin with a Sharpie while realizing just how much I've missed hiking while healing from my ankle injury.

This is what I find when I'm out there; whether with a group or alone in the woods, on a trail, a mountain or even downtown Atlanta.

And here it is clearer (I know my handwriting is bad when I'm mid-thought).

Solace - a sense of comfort.  A feeling that everything is going to be ok.

Serenity - everything slows down.  Peace comes more often when I'm out and away from the distractions.

Sanity - after the trauma from last year, I was told to seek out ways to maintain a healthy balance in my life.  With each step comes an awareness of me.  Standing, even after the mishaps that brought me to the edge and back. 

Stillness - shhhhhhh..........

Social - You know what I've noticed? People who go hiking are good people.  We are social creatures.  Even me, when I can often find solitude more comforting than groups, need to be with other people.

Strength - I am still standing.  Said that just above, but it's true.  And the strength I find when I've spent time to get away and recharge is 'priceless'.

Spiritual - It is out there where I find a true sense of God; of something greater than this world.  A presence that beckons me to move on, to not surrender, but to find a deeper resolve and commitment to listening to the voices that I hear so clearly when I get away.

So my encouragement would be this.  Find your own HIKING!  You may not find the same experience that I do when you go for a hike or a long walk, but there is something that brings forth similar thoughts in each of us.  Maybe it's Fishing, Gardening, Writing, Helping out at an Animal Shelter.  

But no matter what speaks to you, GO AND FIND IT and make it an important part of your world.

And with that, I bid you Solace, Serenity, Sanity, Stillness, a Social Realization, Strength and a Deeper Spiritual Bond Inside.

RUN, FORREST! RUN!!

He ran from Bullies, Defenses, the Viet Cong.

Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away
What a poignant film about the fictional urban legend that RAN.  He didn't even know why he was running at times, but when things happened, he ran.

I think it is remarkable how true to life Forrest Gump has become to me.  When I was a child I ran from the truth that might have saved me years of hurt and pain.  In school, I ran from conflict, though I was at conflict more inside for not standing for what I knew was right (my Bullies came in the form of those who couldn't handle someone who was a little different than they). 

Me and Jenny goes together like peas and carrots.

In college I fell in love and instead of building on those feelings for that person, I immediately ran away.  And into a relationship with someone that was doomed for failure from the very beginning.

Up until recently I ran from my true feelings and continued to try and maintain where I was at, even though I knew that my insides where on a treadmill set at NUCLEAR Speed.

When Jenny left and Forrest took off on his cross country journey.  He Ran. And whether he realized it or not - I believe he was working through the pain and hurt of being left again by the person he loved.

When we find the famous park bench scene, He is there on Jenny's request, and he brings his simple 'box of chocolates' wisdom with him.  Forrest doesn't ever really stop being Forrest.  He is just going through the stages of his life without any shame of who he is.  He finds himself still Forrest Gump.  He is still a little out there, quirky, simple, but he is endearing and special and he doesn't try to be anything else.

What's normal anyways?

So this is where I am.  I am still Chad.  The same me I have always been inside.  I may not have had Forrest's naive courage to be who I am always without regret, but I stand today with less fear of being anything else.

I'm not running.  Just walking through the scenes of the rest of the movie of me.

so here it comes (couldn't do a blog on F.Gump without the quote)...

"Momma said, 'life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.'"


And that's all I have to say about that. 

N - S - E - W

DIRECTION

Which way is right?

What course should I take?

Will the path before me lead home?

How do I know I'm going forward?

Will I be able to make it through?

Which way is right?     Only you know.  Find the wisdom you've gained and listen to it.

What course should I take?     Follow your heart and use your instincts.

Will the path before me lead home?     If home is where you truly desire to be.

How do I know I'm going forward?     Live in today, in the present; not the past.

Will I be able to make it through?     We are resilient creatures; able to adapt and change.

So tonight I prayed

So what do I do now?

Tonight I prayed.  Honestly asked for something more than this existence.

I guess if You are real, then all the "how to manuals" on how to pray have nothing on one persons opening up the depths of their pain and asking for help.

If You're real, maybe you'll understand if I can't ask for you to do some remarkable work in the nation, or to heal the thousands.  All I can ask is for what my heart is struggling with.

What do I do next?  Where do I go?  What is my next step?

All I have is my experience.  All I can look at is the fear that I grapple with when I'm weakest.  So tonight I didn't go into the massive theological prayer that put me in this higher place than I know I am right now.

All I could do was cry out as the little child that just wants some relief.

So.....

what's next?

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

One tear ran down my face.  

There have been too many of these in the last several months.  Some days are filled with moisture - some just held at bay.  Not every day.  I've had some tremendous days full of joy and an abundance of light.  But not this week.

So, like so many other times, I went for a walk.

But that's not the real focus of this tonight.  I recently found the soundtrack to the musical "Rock of Ages" (not the movie soundtrack, this one really is great!).  I am such a softy for a good love/dreams/overcoming obstacles story.  I've probably listened to the great music by groups like Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Poison and others four or five times straight through.  Singing at the top of my lungs while I'm driving along my day.

At the end is the anthem by the group Journey... "Don't Stop Believing".  This week I've cried every time that I've heard that.  Not just tears of sorrow, but tears full of hope, desire and maybe even the possibility of a future.

I read through the words of the song.  They don't really fit anything I'm working through specifically, except the phrase "don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling".  I will not give up.  I will not surrender.  I will continue to fail, but also to live.  I will not hide in my fears, even when they are overwhelming.  I will not let the past keep me bound to the person that I've shed and come out of.

I will cry.

It is one of the hardest and healthiest habits that I've found.  The tears flow - and I start to find things clearing up inside.  Just like it takes a moment to see clearly after a good cry, my head and heart start to see what's there that is pushing at my heart and my soul.  And then I let go or I find ways to deal with what is making me feel this way.

Stevie Nicks wrote the song "Landslide".  It gives a clearer image of what I think at these times.  I'm not going to stop believing.  Have to trust and find solace in the next step.  Moving forward through the changes in my life.

I took my love and I took it down 
I climbed a mountain and I turned around 

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 
'Till the landslide brought me down 

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love? 
Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 
'Cause I've built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I'm getting older too 

~ from "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

Scars

When i was eight years old i thought it would be cool to ride down the hill in front of my Grandparent's house on a skateboard...

...on my stomach.

common sense meets child meets asphalt meets face.

OUCH!!

I had this hideous set of cuts and scabs straight down my face for a long time.  Wasn't one of my finer moments, but thankfully I don't carry any scars from that incident.

When I was twelve I was again at my Grandparent's house and I had bought my first $5 knife from the flea market and again decided to not really think about what I was doing.  My thumb on my right hand has this clear line that runs from the tip down about an inch or so.

Again, OUCH!!!

We all have wounds from life.  Not just the physical wounds, but deep emotional wounds that if left untreated can leave a remembrance for a lifetime.  I have scars.  I will always carry some of these with me.  Just like my hand, they fade.  But even today I know how they guide my decisions.

I can be very closed off and guarded at times.  My heart can lock down and go into self-preservation mode easily.  I've lost some people in my past because of that.  I will tell much of my story to just about anyone that wants to hear, but I reserve the deepest parts of me to a select few.

I don't want to make the mistakes that lead to more wounds, and definitely not more scars, but how can I live without taking chances.  It's not about putting myself on a skateboard on a hill - on my stomach.  But if I don't reach out and let the life in me LIVE, why am I even here?

So no playing with knives.  Though I still carry one.

I want to experience life.  And even if I look down at my hand and remember how I got the scar, I don't feel that pain any more.  It's less and less evident.  

I don't stop moving forward because of the hurt.

RAW

How easy is it to complain about circumstance?  Especially if you are just a bystander, on the sidelines watching.

I watch football this time of year. A LOT of football.  And the fans can be brutal.  When I listen to sports radio (less and less these days.  I enjoy it for a little while, but then it all mushes into the same talk, the same arguments), it's funny how callers will address things that happen on the field as "we should have done this" or "we needed a time out here".  So personal, but yet safe from having to be the one out there battling for 10 yards at a time.
 

I'm sure that the UGA fans on the radio will be doing some of this tomorrow!!!!!!

It's all fun, and athletes are there for competition and entertainment in my opinion.  But if you asked an athlete how it felt to be there in the final seconds, when they'd given everything and then the other team scores that winning touchdown.  Well that's RAW!!!

To get in there, give everything you have and to go through the battles for yardage takes a dedication and a determination.  You don't go into it with hesitation.  There is tons of preparation and study.  Yes, they study their butts off from what I've seen on the sidelines and documentaries. And when the game starts it's all in!

I don't mean to relate life to a game.  It's not a game.  It's a series of events and decisions that come together to form the tapestry of who I am.  But I do think that there are a couple of ways that I think about how the decisions, the events can be made to thrive and move forward.

1.  It is SCARY AS HELL to open up and allow yourself to be RAW with someone.  

It means that there will be times when you are exposed.  I do this one way too well.  I don't keep much back when I feel there is a layer of trust to be had.  I try to walk without fear of closing up.  But I get scared.   I get overwhelmed with allowing myself to feel.  And some people just can't handle it - not like the "You can't handle the truth!" quote from the Jack Nicholson movie, but it can make some people uncomfortable.  But I've lived the next way, and it scares me more than being raw.

2. To totally close up is DEATH.  

I mean an emotional and spiritual deadness that comes from being utterly alone.  We need each other.  We need other people who we trust and will walk through this life with us.  I went through a long stretch where I just stopped living.  I gave up on live as I wanted it to be and just sat.  I sat and let my walls be built.  I let me heart shrink smaller than the Grinch's.

I know there is a balance to being too open and being too closed off.  I actually don't just go around telling everyone all about me.   It doesn't just happen.  But it is still scary to open up, even to those close.  I just can't live it another way.

The team on the field that goes in, gives everything they have, uses their skills and determination may not always win.  But that's where the game and life differ.  I'm not trying to win.  I'm trying to be open to the world and those who I care about.  To seek out life and to savor with everything I have.

what if...

so in my recent thinking I've moved from balance to an another great dilemma at times... the 'what ifs'.

This persists in how I look at my past, how I look to the future, but I think for now, it mostly affects where I am today.  There are so many decisions that I have made just in my regular routine.  Brush my teeth, get COFFEE, go to work... "make the donuts, I already made the donuts!"  I'm not talking about these, but about a bigger sense of the questions and decisions that arise.

My past 'what ifs' consist of the decisions that I've already made.  I can't change these, so to look on them too much can just bog me down.  I need to learn from the mistakes, but to dwell on these, or even to dwell too long on the good decisions takes away from today.  I do find myself looking back, but I hope that I can just use those moments as a gauge, a way to continue to grow through life.

When I focus on the 'what ifs' of the future, I find myself missing some of the joys of today.  Mind you, I do look forward, and I will continue to do that.  I know what I want in this life, or at least the framework of how I'd like it to be, and looking ahead gives me something to strive for. 

Here's the crucial one for me....

the present 'what ifs'.

Do I stop and look at the sunset or just keep pressing through traffic?  What if I don't?  What if I miss one of the most beautiful sunsets EVER!!!

What if I don't take a chance? 

What if I don't tell how I feel?

What if I cower in fear instead of standing, even when I'm scared to death myself?

What if I say no to an opportunity?

These can become daunting, but they are the thoughts that sometimes wage battle within my head.  I know there is a time to be reserved and pulled back, but I know that there is a chance that I'll miss something.  Those who know me realize that I can actually be one of the most laid back people in the world, but that I also want to suck the marrow out of this life.  Almost as if I'm on a quest to find out as much about me and about the world, and especially the people around me as I can before I'm gone!

So if you're reading this... (and sometimes I wonder if I have a phantom audience in all of this, but it's really for me anyway!) ...take a chance.

step out a little.

you never know.

"what if!"

Carry the Flame

I go to bed many nights with my hiking candle lantern lit beside my bed.  I'll turn off the lights and just sit or lay and reflect upon my day.  On really good days, that means images of the laughter and conversation or just being really tired from a great hike or time outdoors.  On the bad days it's a time to let go.  That's when I refocus on the things that make me who I am and try to move forward and into sleep, knowing that once I blow out the candle that the new day will come and I get to start over in a sense.

This week had been all over the place.  I've had struggles at work, great conversations with friends, a willingness to open up to another person and a major decision regarding my journey.

So I'm about to go to bed, read for a few minutes and then hopefully crash.  I looked over to the flame and realized that I need to bring the spark that brought it to life with me everyday.  That flame that I know burns inside me needs to remain visible.  I told someone earlier that I can't change who I am; that I want others to see me not as I was taught to be or some might expect me to be, but as I truly burn inside.

Carry the flame.  

Funny - if you have a spark, that leads to a flame.  That leads to a fire.  

Burn!!!!!!!  

Don't let anything extinguish that!

Listen to the Rain

Listen

Hear the rain

On my window

Easing the pain

Hard to stop

We move so fast

But sitting here

Want the rain to just last, and last, and last

Feel the hunger

For a better day

For a chance

So don’t hesitate 

I can’t help

But tell you again

I don’t know the future,

But I don’t want this to end

Even if it’s just for a season

Like the rain on my roof

Help remind me I’m human

Won’t need any proof

I’m alive

I’m alive

I’m alive

Feel the rain in my soul

As it starts to subside

I’m feeling so much…

I’m so alive

10/01/12

clc

Prayer

• Communing with a higher power.
• Voicing my wants and woes to an unknown deity that still is beyond my comprehension.
• Maybe its just as simple as knowing that there's something beyond this life and there is a way to reach out.

I have heard it said that men in uniform can get very devout and prayerful when the guns and grenades are aimed at them.  When you face life altering moments, do you find yourself calling out somewhere?

I don't pray the same anymore.  From my earliest recollections I know that I was given a script on how to "appropriately" pray. And I was an A+ student at this.  I remember being told that my prayers were thoughtful and deep even as teenager.  But they were also so much BULLS***!

No More!

I found myself out in the woods last week and I could hear whispers filling my head with clarity.  I find that there is a communing that can't be found in any traditional form of prayer.  Meditation comes here too.

Maybe there will be some illuminating moment when I say, "Ok, God, I get you."  But for now I'm still listening.  Still finding new ways on my spiritual journey.

And I do hear things.  I do find clarity and solace when I am seeking them - even when I have to work through things to get there.

And I pray.

Church in the Woods

I have decided to finally hit upon a subject that I’ve done my best to stay away from over the last couple of months.

Faith…

Religion…

Beliefs - or at least my own. 

So here I go.  Over the next couple of days I’d like to share my thoughts on the Church, Jesus and Prayer.  I am not trying to sway anyone in any direction.  But since I have shared much of my other thoughts, I feel like it would be remiss to skip this topic.

The Church in the Woods

My heart is there.  I go out in the midst of nature and I find peace.  Sometimes I even find discord, but it’s through those dissonances that I am able to work through stress and conflict that I often feel when trapped too long in the ‘civilized world’.  But more than that, I’ve found that it is in the woods that I have found a true place to commune and to worship.

My worship may seem odd to some.  I’m not going through the typical motions of singing a hymn, praying, calling out to God or any deity. I am NOT listening to any man stand and try and lead me.  No, this is a very different feeling altogether.  Through the aches and pains of growing up in the dysfunctional paradigm that is the Baptist Church, I found that there are feelings and emotions that pull at my heart, but that my faith isn’t chained to any of the standard fare of a Sunday morning worship service.  I’ve spent most of my Sunday mornings on top of Stone Mountain over the last 3 or 4 months.  I find that I do hear a voice calling out to me. Where I was dead inside when sitting through most church services, I feel a closeness to this creator/maker while alone or in a group of people among the trees that I have long ago lost in the buildings we designate “church”.

The Church in the woods is a place that I retreat to often.  I don’t know how to explain it to anyone unless they experience it for themselves.  I may never go through the doors of one of those erected buildings again.  That may shock and offend some, but I know that there was a time when there weren’t buildings of glass and stone that we can often think “houses” God.  I am not trying to sway anyone.  I just haven’t found the heart that beats as deeply or as clearly in any typical place of worship.

So I will still go to the woods.  I'll try to continue to listen to what I hear.  Both the sounds of nature and the spirits that I know whisper.  Maybe even hear God.  Who knows.  Can't ever hear unless you stop - take time out of the craziness around us - and breathe.