Still, Soft Echoes

I'm still up.  It's 2:30 am and I'm struck with a thought.  So I decide if I'm going to let the thought go, or move, get my notebook or computer out and do something about it.

You obviously know which decision I made.

There are echoes that surround us.  Still, Soft Echoes of those we can no longer touch or physically feel.  But they stay with us.  Not haunting, but reminders and whispers of their voice, their compassion, drive, awareness of who WE are.  They don't leave us.

They know who we are as much as we know.  And our memories and reflections of them don't fade.  They remain a part of our lives.

My grandmother left us in 1986.  My freshman year of high school.  I spent the summer before helping to take care of her.  What I didn't realize as a teen was that I was in fact helping make her last days easier.  I don't remember her voice, but I remember her presence throughout all of the major events of my life up to then.  I miss her.  I knew she loved me.  She always kept butter cookies in a tupperware container in the kitchen, and she was never afraid to reprimand me when I needed correction.

My cousin Eric left us in 1997.  I still have memories of this kid who was becoming a man.  I was there when over 100 students from McKeachern High School filled the lobby of Kennestone Hospital in a vigil for his young life.  He left such a mark on those students.  He still comes to mind whenever I think about taking a break on this journey.  Whenever I think of giving up, his presence reminds me that I never know how long I'm going to have.  Don't waste it.

Allen Martin left in 2007.  He was my Granddad, my roommate in college (yes, really!), my friend and mentor and a Father.  Just like my Grandmother, he was such a part of my life.  And when I was leaving home to go to West Georgia, he gave me a place I truly called home.  He told me on my first day there "I don't keep up with you, and you don't keep up with me".  I thought it was funny, but he meant it.  He gave me space, but he also listened out.  Never butting in unless he absolutely had to.  I loved the man with all his quirks and antics, and I always knew he loved me.

And I'm sure you have yours as well.  That person who...

...knew how to urge you to go on.

...knew exactly what to say when you needed encouragement.

...showed you they loved you without any pretense.

...let you cry.  knowing that tears really do heal.

...always wanted the best for you.  Even when you didn't want it for yourself.

...who was your greatest advocate, champion, friend when you were down.

They still reside with us.  The echoes aren't fading.

They continue to resonate within us.

The Point

There comes a point when we can't just sit back anymore.  When all the hurts, the pent up anxiety and turmoil has reached the limit of what we can tolerate.  We reach the point where all of our passive, peaceful attempts to remedy the situations we face have failed and we have to react.

At this point everything we've known, we've sought is lost in the need to react.  The primal urges come forth and we lunge at the problem ahead of us and ATTACK!

In a world that preaches 'political correctness' and tolerance there is still time when you can't just allow the Scott Farkas', the Cute and Funny Bunnies, the Wicked Witch, Skeletor and the Decepticons to continue to win!

There is a POINT.  A point when you have to react and fight for what really matters.  Don't let the fears and false prophets take away what really matters.

DO NOT GIVE IN!

FIGHT!!!!

VULNERABLE

I grew up in a cul-de-sac with a bunch of boys running through the neighborhood.   We played down by the creek that ran behind a couple of houses.  It was where wars were waged, ropes were swung on, bridges became diving boards and our pool was the largest area of the creek, where you could get in up to your waist.  I remember always being a little hesitant at getting fully in.  Don’t know if it was the murky, muddy mix of water and Georgia clay or knowing that the boys I played with where sometimes not always to be trusted when it came to backyard ‘baptisms’!

It was a place of Vulnerability.

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Vulnerable

To truly love isn’t just the feeling of “falling”.  It is more the willingness to open oneself up to being VULNERABLE to another person.  To allow your heart and will to be affected by that person is something that can cause fear and trembling.  But it can also lead to something beyond the ability of words to communicate.  It can give way to Hope, to Belief, to well, Love.

There are risks. Yet anything of value, of worth comes with the knowledge of the inherent risks that it takes to trust another person.  But again, that VULNERABILITY succumbs to the realization that we weren’t meant to be alone here, and when you find that there is another who is just as Vulnerable, just as Passionate, just as Ready to find more in this life…

…you grab hold.  You jump – both feet into the water!

"So This is Christmas"

What is it that binds us together?  Is it the tree, the ornaments?  The gifts given or received?

Is it those who we love?  Or is it remembering what the past year has brought?

So this is Christmas.  

And I must say that I’ve seen many of these come and go in a haze of doubt and a puzzled reflection of “I thought this was something to look forward to”.  Over the last ten years I’ve spent more Christmases feeling alone or stressed or just angry that it was always so hard.

So THIS Christmas I’ve been given a gift.  The breathe and space to realize that it doesn’t have to be what I’ve perceived it to be.  It can be whatever the day, the season holds.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

John Lennon’s words are deeper than they seem.  He speaks of ending war and bias.  Of finding Peace.  Love.  Joy.

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS…

…moments shared with a special someone

…a gift given from a deep place in the heart

…remembering fondly those who will be missed dearly

…”Christmas Vacation”

…”Grandma got ran over by a Reindeer”

…a birth

…a wish

…joy and a hope for tomorrow.

This is Christmas.

Fear and Trembling or Guilt and Regret

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with FEAR and TREMBLING

Philippians 2:12

I was raised by the church.  Not just in the church, but by the many members of the congregation that called Glen Forest Baptist Church their place of worship.  My earliest memories are intertwined with the building, the people, the moments (MANY) that I spent there throughout my childhood.  Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday night, ANY other times when there was something going on there.  And some of those memories are still fresh in my mind.  But not all are good.

There is a verse that resonates with me at times when I think about my feelings of the church.  Philippians 2:12.

Fear and Trembling.  That’s how I felt in the church most of my life.  Not as much love, but a sense of guilt.  A feeling that I should be continually ashamed of the mark that I received as a child.  And in hiding, I found that I feared what would become of me.  I did tremble, but more from anxiety.  An anxiety that still persists when I even approach anything that resembles a church.  I do have good memories, but they are so overshadowed with my heart’s regret that a place that my Grandmother was so proud to be a part of is so tainted in my spirit.

I heard how I needed to “get right”, “to find Jesus”, to love and to accept.  Yet I saw a bum from Mableton turned away because he smelled of Alcohol and wasn’t as clean as Benny Rollins and the other men standing in the doorway.  I’ve seen race close doors.  I felt love, but it came as abuse, then as a twisted attempt to find some healing in a young heart.  I do believe in God.  I know that he is Real.

My children will always hear of the importance of belief, of finding the spiritual presence in their lives.  We pray over meals and I talk to them about God.

But I don’t do church.  Not the way that many would call as ‘acceptable’.  Even the ultra-modern, come as you are church that I’ve been a part of for the last ten years. 

If you doubt my spirit, I question your ‘religion’.

If you say I need community, I say ‘absolutely’!

If you understand this; Awesome!  If you question this, I hope that you will find your beliefs rooted in something deeper than the religion that we sometimes hold onto without questioning.  I hope that each of you finds a place to dwell.  I know that I have found the places that speak to my spirit and allow me to truly believe.

I won't question your beliefs.  I wish you the same spirit that I have found - without fear, guilt or regret!

Tell Me...

Hallmark Cards - "Tell Me" Commercial Holidays 2012

Christmas....

2012....

Here we go again.


This is always the toughest part of the year for me.  It is the time when most people who struggle with loss, depression, hurt, anger, fear, and doubt find that on top of all these things there is the added dynamic of Family.

Family is a funny thing.  I don't know that I've ever truly understood the complexities and heightened dynamics that come together to form that unit of people that are bound by blood and history.

I've done this time of year married, single, as a father, in the darkest heart of depression.  I can't say that I remember many that stand out as truly wonderful.  I do remember all the times when I broke out in a cold sweat at the realization that the 25th was approaching and the entire holiday was wound into the fear of how I would react to my family, my kids, my spouse.

I've retreated many times.  I've found myself alone - even in a room full of people.  I've cried more during Christmas than just about any other time of the year.

SO.........

I've been doing serious soul searching and realized that I need to find a way that I can ENJOY this season.  I've opened up to some new ideas; new thoughts on how I'm going to handle Christmas; new possibilities in my personal life...

and then I see this Hallmark commercial tonight.  "Tell Me".

Tell Me if you love me.
Tell Me if you remember a time we shared.
Tell Me if I matter to you.
Tell Me if I've ever made an imprint upon your life.

But most of all, just Tell Me.

It is the one thing that I hope to do this season.  Tell those of you who I love and are important to me how much you mean to my life.

The commercial is just a stepping stone.

So if I have been anything positive to you...

"Just Tell Me."

"Crossroads..."

'Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah. 
The gypsy flies from coast to coast 

Knowing many, loving none, 
Bearing sorrow havin' fun, 
But back home he'll always run...'

     ~ the Allman Brothers Band

We all go through those moments that define.  Moments when we find ourselves at the heart of a decision.  When our next step will help shape our immediate future, and maybe even down the road.  I have been walking towards this 'Crossroad' for the last year.  I've walked through one of the lowest times in my life, found sanity, found more heartache, found purpose and then started to walk.

I wrote my first blog on June 11th, 2012.  Told everyone who was willing to read it that I was going to change the way I did things.  The way that I had always accepted and thought wasn't good enough anymore.  It was time to find my own TRUTH.  Even if it was against everything that I had ever known.

So now, over 5 months later, I find that I've finally reached the place where the path meets an intersection and I get to move freely into either path.

I have found a fresh opinion of myself.  I know my value and worth and also that I am a creature that continues to grow and evolve with each new experience and time here.

I am alive.  I lived for many years as a dead man, without music, writing, and many of the things that make me whole.  But now I FEEL.  I have realized that there is HOPE and that there is a SWEET taste in my spirit of this new growth inside.

And I have met someone who makes me wonder, "Can there be even more?".

I spent Friday night on Siler Bald in North Carolina.  It was a planned trip with my hiking group, but it was more a time to let go of some of the hurts I had been holding onto and walk down that mountain .  I came down after a 15 degree night (oh, my, God was it cold!), tears shed for a lost relationship and the pain that it had caused, and a feeling that I will be able to move on and find peace without sacrificing ME!

So at this crossroad, I am taking the path that speaks to my spirit.  Just like the last year, I am going to listen, breathe and find my footing as the trail is laid out in front of me.