what if it's all a lie

The sun comes up tomorrow.  What if it decided to leave it's place?
Would we believe it the next morrow, when dawn breaks, would it warm my face?
The communes of the 'holy', what if tomorrow (sunday), they beheld
this Jesus as no more than a prophet, or even worse - what if he actually failed?
Me, I need no prodding, to question the things I was taught to believe.
I have embraced that I'm not ready - to longer be a cog in the machine.

WHAT IF IT'S ALL A LIE?

I am questioning everything.

Nothing in my social construct, my relational paradigm, my belief system is without scrutiny.  I've tasted the bitter years of falling in the trap of blindly taking a belief or teaching as my own - no questions asked, no discussion as to why.

I've questioned how I am supposed to believe in God when he allows traumatic events to happen to small children who grow up to be men, trapped in the arrested development of a hurt that takes years to recognize and deal with.

I am currently in total disgust at the huge amounts of time and energy that are spent to build these shiny, idols to religion that we dress in the guise of sanctuary, worship center, temple to our own need to put God in a box and make him palatable to everyone.  If he's really out there, then I don't know if he'd like being put in a place of judgement and constraint any more than we like to be put there.

How is it that I was taught from the earliest memories I had until I went off to college that family is more important than anything else, yet the people I truly care about are the 'family' that I've been given through building strong relationships and bonds that don't waver?

So what if everything I've been taught is a lie?

I have to find my true self and what I believe no matter what the society I live in thinks.  I may spontaneously laugh at something - and smile that some random event gave me a true sign of some happiness that I've been without.  I may cry, even as a man,  and have the sorrow of years continue to be chipped away, releasing me from the bondage that I've known.

If what I've been taught, believed, desired, thought to be true is all a lie, I guess I need to spend the time finding out what the truth looks like and making damn sure that I grab hold of it and DON'T let go!

Say I love you.

My dad and I don't have much of a relationship.  In fact, over the last three to four years I can almost count the number of words we've spoken.  There's no venom, no outward malice.  Just no deep connection or even the ability to talk on a basic, shallow level.  We sink into silence.  Uncomfortable.

There are so many things that led to this.  I'm sure there's a pretty even split to the 'blame'.  But that really isn't the issue today.  Today I'm just trying to figure out how to NOT be like this with the people I love.

I love my red-headed son.  He's such a huge part of my life and I hope that he realizes how much I love him. I don't go a day without thinking of him or speaking about him.  And I NEVER leave a conversation with him without letting him know how important he is to me and how much I truly love him - no matter what his grades are, his behavior, etc.

I want him to know that he's loved.  I never want him to doubt that his dad loves him.

And the same goes for my little girl.  Though she's not little any more, and she's trying to grow up way too fast, I want her to know that the love I have for her doesn't change, isn't earned, isn't something that she has to strive for.

They're the two people that mean the most in my life.  And I always tell them "I love you".

If you're important to me, you'll probably hear me say those words a little more.  If it makes you uncomfortable, get over it.  I want you to know that you're important.  That I value you and that I care.  Maybe it will catch on and more of us will open up and share our hearts with each other.  But I don't need that.

I just want you to know "I love you".

Chad