N - S - E - W

DIRECTION

Which way is right?

What course should I take?

Will the path before me lead home?

How do I know I'm going forward?

Will I be able to make it through?

Which way is right?     Only you know.  Find the wisdom you've gained and listen to it.

What course should I take?     Follow your heart and use your instincts.

Will the path before me lead home?     If home is where you truly desire to be.

How do I know I'm going forward?     Live in today, in the present; not the past.

Will I be able to make it through?     We are resilient creatures; able to adapt and change.

So tonight I prayed

So what do I do now?

Tonight I prayed.  Honestly asked for something more than this existence.

I guess if You are real, then all the "how to manuals" on how to pray have nothing on one persons opening up the depths of their pain and asking for help.

If You're real, maybe you'll understand if I can't ask for you to do some remarkable work in the nation, or to heal the thousands.  All I can ask is for what my heart is struggling with.

What do I do next?  Where do I go?  What is my next step?

All I have is my experience.  All I can look at is the fear that I grapple with when I'm weakest.  So tonight I didn't go into the massive theological prayer that put me in this higher place than I know I am right now.

All I could do was cry out as the little child that just wants some relief.

So.....

what's next?

DON'T STOP BELIEVING

One tear ran down my face.  

There have been too many of these in the last several months.  Some days are filled with moisture - some just held at bay.  Not every day.  I've had some tremendous days full of joy and an abundance of light.  But not this week.

So, like so many other times, I went for a walk.

But that's not the real focus of this tonight.  I recently found the soundtrack to the musical "Rock of Ages" (not the movie soundtrack, this one really is great!).  I am such a softy for a good love/dreams/overcoming obstacles story.  I've probably listened to the great music by groups like Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Poison and others four or five times straight through.  Singing at the top of my lungs while I'm driving along my day.

At the end is the anthem by the group Journey... "Don't Stop Believing".  This week I've cried every time that I've heard that.  Not just tears of sorrow, but tears full of hope, desire and maybe even the possibility of a future.

I read through the words of the song.  They don't really fit anything I'm working through specifically, except the phrase "don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling".  I will not give up.  I will not surrender.  I will continue to fail, but also to live.  I will not hide in my fears, even when they are overwhelming.  I will not let the past keep me bound to the person that I've shed and come out of.

I will cry.

It is one of the hardest and healthiest habits that I've found.  The tears flow - and I start to find things clearing up inside.  Just like it takes a moment to see clearly after a good cry, my head and heart start to see what's there that is pushing at my heart and my soul.  And then I let go or I find ways to deal with what is making me feel this way.

Stevie Nicks wrote the song "Landslide".  It gives a clearer image of what I think at these times.  I'm not going to stop believing.  Have to trust and find solace in the next step.  Moving forward through the changes in my life.

I took my love and I took it down 
I climbed a mountain and I turned around 

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 
'Till the landslide brought me down 

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love? 
Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 
'Cause I've built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I'm getting older too 

~ from "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

Scars

When i was eight years old i thought it would be cool to ride down the hill in front of my Grandparent's house on a skateboard...

...on my stomach.

common sense meets child meets asphalt meets face.

OUCH!!

I had this hideous set of cuts and scabs straight down my face for a long time.  Wasn't one of my finer moments, but thankfully I don't carry any scars from that incident.

When I was twelve I was again at my Grandparent's house and I had bought my first $5 knife from the flea market and again decided to not really think about what I was doing.  My thumb on my right hand has this clear line that runs from the tip down about an inch or so.

Again, OUCH!!!

We all have wounds from life.  Not just the physical wounds, but deep emotional wounds that if left untreated can leave a remembrance for a lifetime.  I have scars.  I will always carry some of these with me.  Just like my hand, they fade.  But even today I know how they guide my decisions.

I can be very closed off and guarded at times.  My heart can lock down and go into self-preservation mode easily.  I've lost some people in my past because of that.  I will tell much of my story to just about anyone that wants to hear, but I reserve the deepest parts of me to a select few.

I don't want to make the mistakes that lead to more wounds, and definitely not more scars, but how can I live without taking chances.  It's not about putting myself on a skateboard on a hill - on my stomach.  But if I don't reach out and let the life in me LIVE, why am I even here?

So no playing with knives.  Though I still carry one.

I want to experience life.  And even if I look down at my hand and remember how I got the scar, I don't feel that pain any more.  It's less and less evident.  

I don't stop moving forward because of the hurt.

RAW

How easy is it to complain about circumstance?  Especially if you are just a bystander, on the sidelines watching.

I watch football this time of year. A LOT of football.  And the fans can be brutal.  When I listen to sports radio (less and less these days.  I enjoy it for a little while, but then it all mushes into the same talk, the same arguments), it's funny how callers will address things that happen on the field as "we should have done this" or "we needed a time out here".  So personal, but yet safe from having to be the one out there battling for 10 yards at a time.
 

I'm sure that the UGA fans on the radio will be doing some of this tomorrow!!!!!!

It's all fun, and athletes are there for competition and entertainment in my opinion.  But if you asked an athlete how it felt to be there in the final seconds, when they'd given everything and then the other team scores that winning touchdown.  Well that's RAW!!!

To get in there, give everything you have and to go through the battles for yardage takes a dedication and a determination.  You don't go into it with hesitation.  There is tons of preparation and study.  Yes, they study their butts off from what I've seen on the sidelines and documentaries. And when the game starts it's all in!

I don't mean to relate life to a game.  It's not a game.  It's a series of events and decisions that come together to form the tapestry of who I am.  But I do think that there are a couple of ways that I think about how the decisions, the events can be made to thrive and move forward.

1.  It is SCARY AS HELL to open up and allow yourself to be RAW with someone.  

It means that there will be times when you are exposed.  I do this one way too well.  I don't keep much back when I feel there is a layer of trust to be had.  I try to walk without fear of closing up.  But I get scared.   I get overwhelmed with allowing myself to feel.  And some people just can't handle it - not like the "You can't handle the truth!" quote from the Jack Nicholson movie, but it can make some people uncomfortable.  But I've lived the next way, and it scares me more than being raw.

2. To totally close up is DEATH.  

I mean an emotional and spiritual deadness that comes from being utterly alone.  We need each other.  We need other people who we trust and will walk through this life with us.  I went through a long stretch where I just stopped living.  I gave up on live as I wanted it to be and just sat.  I sat and let my walls be built.  I let me heart shrink smaller than the Grinch's.

I know there is a balance to being too open and being too closed off.  I actually don't just go around telling everyone all about me.   It doesn't just happen.  But it is still scary to open up, even to those close.  I just can't live it another way.

The team on the field that goes in, gives everything they have, uses their skills and determination may not always win.  But that's where the game and life differ.  I'm not trying to win.  I'm trying to be open to the world and those who I care about.  To seek out life and to savor with everything I have.

what if...

so in my recent thinking I've moved from balance to an another great dilemma at times... the 'what ifs'.

This persists in how I look at my past, how I look to the future, but I think for now, it mostly affects where I am today.  There are so many decisions that I have made just in my regular routine.  Brush my teeth, get COFFEE, go to work... "make the donuts, I already made the donuts!"  I'm not talking about these, but about a bigger sense of the questions and decisions that arise.

My past 'what ifs' consist of the decisions that I've already made.  I can't change these, so to look on them too much can just bog me down.  I need to learn from the mistakes, but to dwell on these, or even to dwell too long on the good decisions takes away from today.  I do find myself looking back, but I hope that I can just use those moments as a gauge, a way to continue to grow through life.

When I focus on the 'what ifs' of the future, I find myself missing some of the joys of today.  Mind you, I do look forward, and I will continue to do that.  I know what I want in this life, or at least the framework of how I'd like it to be, and looking ahead gives me something to strive for. 

Here's the crucial one for me....

the present 'what ifs'.

Do I stop and look at the sunset or just keep pressing through traffic?  What if I don't?  What if I miss one of the most beautiful sunsets EVER!!!

What if I don't take a chance? 

What if I don't tell how I feel?

What if I cower in fear instead of standing, even when I'm scared to death myself?

What if I say no to an opportunity?

These can become daunting, but they are the thoughts that sometimes wage battle within my head.  I know there is a time to be reserved and pulled back, but I know that there is a chance that I'll miss something.  Those who know me realize that I can actually be one of the most laid back people in the world, but that I also want to suck the marrow out of this life.  Almost as if I'm on a quest to find out as much about me and about the world, and especially the people around me as I can before I'm gone!

So if you're reading this... (and sometimes I wonder if I have a phantom audience in all of this, but it's really for me anyway!) ...take a chance.

step out a little.

you never know.

"what if!"

Carry the Flame

I go to bed many nights with my hiking candle lantern lit beside my bed.  I'll turn off the lights and just sit or lay and reflect upon my day.  On really good days, that means images of the laughter and conversation or just being really tired from a great hike or time outdoors.  On the bad days it's a time to let go.  That's when I refocus on the things that make me who I am and try to move forward and into sleep, knowing that once I blow out the candle that the new day will come and I get to start over in a sense.

This week had been all over the place.  I've had struggles at work, great conversations with friends, a willingness to open up to another person and a major decision regarding my journey.

So I'm about to go to bed, read for a few minutes and then hopefully crash.  I looked over to the flame and realized that I need to bring the spark that brought it to life with me everyday.  That flame that I know burns inside me needs to remain visible.  I told someone earlier that I can't change who I am; that I want others to see me not as I was taught to be or some might expect me to be, but as I truly burn inside.

Carry the flame.  

Funny - if you have a spark, that leads to a flame.  That leads to a fire.  

Burn!!!!!!!  

Don't let anything extinguish that!

Listen to the Rain

Listen

Hear the rain

On my window

Easing the pain

Hard to stop

We move so fast

But sitting here

Want the rain to just last, and last, and last

Feel the hunger

For a better day

For a chance

So don’t hesitate 

I can’t help

But tell you again

I don’t know the future,

But I don’t want this to end

Even if it’s just for a season

Like the rain on my roof

Help remind me I’m human

Won’t need any proof

I’m alive

I’m alive

I’m alive

Feel the rain in my soul

As it starts to subside

I’m feeling so much…

I’m so alive

10/01/12

clc

Prayer

• Communing with a higher power.
• Voicing my wants and woes to an unknown deity that still is beyond my comprehension.
• Maybe its just as simple as knowing that there's something beyond this life and there is a way to reach out.

I have heard it said that men in uniform can get very devout and prayerful when the guns and grenades are aimed at them.  When you face life altering moments, do you find yourself calling out somewhere?

I don't pray the same anymore.  From my earliest recollections I know that I was given a script on how to "appropriately" pray. And I was an A+ student at this.  I remember being told that my prayers were thoughtful and deep even as teenager.  But they were also so much BULLS***!

No More!

I found myself out in the woods last week and I could hear whispers filling my head with clarity.  I find that there is a communing that can't be found in any traditional form of prayer.  Meditation comes here too.

Maybe there will be some illuminating moment when I say, "Ok, God, I get you."  But for now I'm still listening.  Still finding new ways on my spiritual journey.

And I do hear things.  I do find clarity and solace when I am seeking them - even when I have to work through things to get there.

And I pray.