DON'T STOP BELIEVING

One tear ran down my face.  

There have been too many of these in the last several months.  Some days are filled with moisture - some just held at bay.  Not every day.  I've had some tremendous days full of joy and an abundance of light.  But not this week.

So, like so many other times, I went for a walk.

But that's not the real focus of this tonight.  I recently found the soundtrack to the musical "Rock of Ages" (not the movie soundtrack, this one really is great!).  I am such a softy for a good love/dreams/overcoming obstacles story.  I've probably listened to the great music by groups like Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Poison and others four or five times straight through.  Singing at the top of my lungs while I'm driving along my day.

At the end is the anthem by the group Journey... "Don't Stop Believing".  This week I've cried every time that I've heard that.  Not just tears of sorrow, but tears full of hope, desire and maybe even the possibility of a future.

I read through the words of the song.  They don't really fit anything I'm working through specifically, except the phrase "don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling".  I will not give up.  I will not surrender.  I will continue to fail, but also to live.  I will not hide in my fears, even when they are overwhelming.  I will not let the past keep me bound to the person that I've shed and come out of.

I will cry.

It is one of the hardest and healthiest habits that I've found.  The tears flow - and I start to find things clearing up inside.  Just like it takes a moment to see clearly after a good cry, my head and heart start to see what's there that is pushing at my heart and my soul.  And then I let go or I find ways to deal with what is making me feel this way.

Stevie Nicks wrote the song "Landslide".  It gives a clearer image of what I think at these times.  I'm not going to stop believing.  Have to trust and find solace in the next step.  Moving forward through the changes in my life.

I took my love and I took it down 
I climbed a mountain and I turned around 

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 
'Till the landslide brought me down 

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love? 
Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 
'Cause I've built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I'm getting older too 

~ from "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac