The Playlist

When I was growing up we made mix tapes. Songs that meant something at that time, impressions of our lives,and usually given to someone we liked.

Some songs would come and go, but some would just always be there. I'm starting to think that people are the same way, and if you were to look back over my life, I wonder what my playlist would look like. Who have I left off?  Who do I need to add?  What special person will I meet to be a part?

I want it to be remarkable. Memorable. Full of all of the colors and textures that paint my life. 

Just like songs on a playlist, I want to say more about what I am:

Father, Teacher, Musician, Friend, Lover

Caring, Hopeful for the hurting...

...all the above.

So I'm working on my playlist... just like I put new and old songs on to my list - I hope to keep precious people in my life and add new people that will enrich and I can hopefully do the same!

Now what's your playlist look like?

Life is Short

Ok people, I'm tired.  Tired of wasting days and misplacing my life with the solemn sidesteps of what others might think is the 'right' way to live.  I'm 40.  I've been through some very dark and lonely places, and I've had times when I felt I just couldn't breathe.  Felt alone.  Felt so overwhelmed by beliefs and decrees that were pushing and pulling at me from all sides.  My family.  My so-called friends.  My peers.

A little infant died.  I didn't know the child or the family, but it affected someone.  There were tears.  There was sorrow.  It amazes me and confounds me when this happens.  Why? Why God, would you allow this?  Are you really there?  Are you even listening?

I don't know the answers, but I know that this life is SHORT!  I don't know what's left for me, but I want to love the people I love, carry those who need a hand, help someone.  I want to live.  Lay back on a dock and look at the stars.  Not regret and not surrender to what others may think.  I don't want to fear so much that I can't breathe.

I wrote this for the little infant... but as much for me.

There are tears a fallin’
grace seems so misplaced
How can we remember
little one taken away
                so soon
                so soon

Songs, they’re a playin’
mournful hymns, agonizing hearts
Bringing in the procession
melody echoes and here we are
                so soon
                so soon

Gather up the courage
Mom held her a little while
she wasn’t even able
to grow into a child
                why so soon
                so soon

Tears fall
Why do we stall
Can’t waste another day
Hearts beat
Find it bittersweet
The way we waste away our days

And the end will come…
                so soon

And when we’re done…
                so soon
                so soon

Will they remember you?

7/29/12
clc

A Good Deed

Tonight I hiked up Stone Mountain with members of the Atlanta Outdoor Club.  It was a good time to go - evening and the sun starting to descend into the sky.  This is the second time I've done the hike up to the top at night, and with the temps in the 90s pretty consistently during the day, it was a much more enjoyable hike.

So about halfway up, at the steepest incline, was a little old Hispanic grandma clutching the railing and looking precariously close to teetering down the mountain.  I knew immediately that I had a choice.

Isn't it funny that we find ourselves in these moments of moral decision? Times when how we react really does say so much more about us than our words ever could.  In a moment we can choose to move on, to ignore, to conveniently change course or stop and see if there is a need.  But that would mean reaching out to a stranger.  Opening ourselves up from the shields that we can put in place to keep others at bay.  It can mean that we might actually have to do something.

So what choice did I make?

First I found that she only spoke broken English.  I speak almost no Spanish.  We communicated as best we could and finally I pointed to the top, then put out my hand.  And she took it.  We went one step at a time, stopping regularly to rest and for water.  We ascended the mountain and she thanked me as best she could.  Her family was waiting near the top, and I left her with them.

It would have been easier to go on ahead, but I actually knew that I had done a good deed.  Not to show that I was good.  Not because it was the right thing to do, but because in that instant of decision I made a choice.

What choice would you have made?

Honesty

"Do you ever feel already buried deep?

Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing."
     - Katy Perry, Firework

I find that I struggle with honesty.

I don't go around openly lying, and people who know me probably wouldn't call me a liar, but down deep I've always struggled with the brutal honesty that it takes to not hide away in sin, fear, depression, anxiety.  All have been mocking court jesters that find humor in my attempts to find truth.  But they sit and watch as I again and again just succumb, decide not to face the problems, the turmoil and flee.

Last week, in one of the hardest days I've had through the last couple of months, I found a shred of honesty. I was able to sit, tears streaming, chest heaving and pronounce my fears and my insecurities to a trusted mentor.  Even in places where you're supposed to be 'safe', I've found that I couldn't take off every mask and render myself unable to conquer, filled with the lies of 'I can handle this' or 'you'll never love me if you knew me'.

I've felt this most of my life.  I've never truly let go.  Even when forced to deal with this years ago, I couldn't be totally honest with my struggles, my triumphs, my sadness and my hope.

But in my heart I want to be honest.  I yearn to live free of the burden of distrust and anguish.  I want those who I care about to know me and accept me - flaws and all.  But most of all I want to believe that there is a power out there that's greater than my junk.  I'm starting to process that.

God, you listening?  Help me be honest.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
     Matthew 11:28

Rain...

"Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;Thy fate is the common fate of all,Into each life some rain must fall,Some days must be dark and dreary."
          from The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today I am sad.  I know that everything is unsettled.  That I am hidden behind attempts to cease the pain, the sorrow, the ultimate feeling of loneliness that has always been here.  So I am sad.
Over lunch I realized that it wasn't that I was lonely, it was that I had someone here and was still lonely.  I've hurt and been hurt.  I've cried.  I'm sure I've brought others to tears.  But the one thing that I keep realizing is that the emptiness is a part of everything I've known and as Longfellow stated in The Rainy Day, every life is going to get it's rain.  I just am ready for that rainy, dreary feeling to go away.  To clear like the sunlight after the storm.  

So move over clouds!  Oh, God, Please give some levity and strength.  Help me to realize my value - to know that the loneliness will fade and the sun will peak through in the darkest parts of my soul.
Tonight I'm sad.  But I long to smile.  To know that there is more.  That there is hope!

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

     2 Corinthians 12:9-10