Honesty

"Do you ever feel already buried deep?

Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing."
     - Katy Perry, Firework

I find that I struggle with honesty.

I don't go around openly lying, and people who know me probably wouldn't call me a liar, but down deep I've always struggled with the brutal honesty that it takes to not hide away in sin, fear, depression, anxiety.  All have been mocking court jesters that find humor in my attempts to find truth.  But they sit and watch as I again and again just succumb, decide not to face the problems, the turmoil and flee.

Last week, in one of the hardest days I've had through the last couple of months, I found a shred of honesty. I was able to sit, tears streaming, chest heaving and pronounce my fears and my insecurities to a trusted mentor.  Even in places where you're supposed to be 'safe', I've found that I couldn't take off every mask and render myself unable to conquer, filled with the lies of 'I can handle this' or 'you'll never love me if you knew me'.

I've felt this most of my life.  I've never truly let go.  Even when forced to deal with this years ago, I couldn't be totally honest with my struggles, my triumphs, my sadness and my hope.

But in my heart I want to be honest.  I yearn to live free of the burden of distrust and anguish.  I want those who I care about to know me and accept me - flaws and all.  But most of all I want to believe that there is a power out there that's greater than my junk.  I'm starting to process that.

God, you listening?  Help me be honest.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
     Matthew 11:28