what if it's all a lie

The sun comes up tomorrow.  What if it decided to leave it's place?
Would we believe it the next morrow, when dawn breaks, would it warm my face?
The communes of the 'holy', what if tomorrow (sunday), they beheld
this Jesus as no more than a prophet, or even worse - what if he actually failed?
Me, I need no prodding, to question the things I was taught to believe.
I have embraced that I'm not ready - to longer be a cog in the machine.

WHAT IF IT'S ALL A LIE?

I am questioning everything.

Nothing in my social construct, my relational paradigm, my belief system is without scrutiny.  I've tasted the bitter years of falling in the trap of blindly taking a belief or teaching as my own - no questions asked, no discussion as to why.

I've questioned how I am supposed to believe in God when he allows traumatic events to happen to small children who grow up to be men, trapped in the arrested development of a hurt that takes years to recognize and deal with.

I am currently in total disgust at the huge amounts of time and energy that are spent to build these shiny, idols to religion that we dress in the guise of sanctuary, worship center, temple to our own need to put God in a box and make him palatable to everyone.  If he's really out there, then I don't know if he'd like being put in a place of judgement and constraint any more than we like to be put there.

How is it that I was taught from the earliest memories I had until I went off to college that family is more important than anything else, yet the people I truly care about are the 'family' that I've been given through building strong relationships and bonds that don't waver?

So what if everything I've been taught is a lie?

I have to find my true self and what I believe no matter what the society I live in thinks.  I may spontaneously laugh at something - and smile that some random event gave me a true sign of some happiness that I've been without.  I may cry, even as a man,  and have the sorrow of years continue to be chipped away, releasing me from the bondage that I've known.

If what I've been taught, believed, desired, thought to be true is all a lie, I guess I need to spend the time finding out what the truth looks like and making damn sure that I grab hold of it and DON'T let go!