Fear and Trembling or Guilt and Regret

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with FEAR and TREMBLING

Philippians 2:12

I was raised by the church.  Not just in the church, but by the many members of the congregation that called Glen Forest Baptist Church their place of worship.  My earliest memories are intertwined with the building, the people, the moments (MANY) that I spent there throughout my childhood.  Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday night, ANY other times when there was something going on there.  And some of those memories are still fresh in my mind.  But not all are good.

There is a verse that resonates with me at times when I think about my feelings of the church.  Philippians 2:12.

Fear and Trembling.  That’s how I felt in the church most of my life.  Not as much love, but a sense of guilt.  A feeling that I should be continually ashamed of the mark that I received as a child.  And in hiding, I found that I feared what would become of me.  I did tremble, but more from anxiety.  An anxiety that still persists when I even approach anything that resembles a church.  I do have good memories, but they are so overshadowed with my heart’s regret that a place that my Grandmother was so proud to be a part of is so tainted in my spirit.

I heard how I needed to “get right”, “to find Jesus”, to love and to accept.  Yet I saw a bum from Mableton turned away because he smelled of Alcohol and wasn’t as clean as Benny Rollins and the other men standing in the doorway.  I’ve seen race close doors.  I felt love, but it came as abuse, then as a twisted attempt to find some healing in a young heart.  I do believe in God.  I know that he is Real.

My children will always hear of the importance of belief, of finding the spiritual presence in their lives.  We pray over meals and I talk to them about God.

But I don’t do church.  Not the way that many would call as ‘acceptable’.  Even the ultra-modern, come as you are church that I’ve been a part of for the last ten years. 

If you doubt my spirit, I question your ‘religion’.

If you say I need community, I say ‘absolutely’!

If you understand this; Awesome!  If you question this, I hope that you will find your beliefs rooted in something deeper than the religion that we sometimes hold onto without questioning.  I hope that each of you finds a place to dwell.  I know that I have found the places that speak to my spirit and allow me to truly believe.

I won't question your beliefs.  I wish you the same spirit that I have found - without fear, guilt or regret!